The Season for Orgies

I wonder if people who go to orgies put them on their calendar. And if they do, what do they write? “Orgy at Jan and Michael’s” seems a little bold considering how visible calendars are these days. Maybe they use some kind of code. “Happy hour,” perhaps, or “dinner party.” Or “Invigorating exchange of ideas with like-minded colleagues.”

I don’t have any desire to attend an orgy, but I could be defined as “orgy-curious.” Well, curious about how they find time to get it on everyone’s calendar. I feel like scheduling an orgy would be a miracle of logistical wizardry. Even if I’m not going to attend one, maybe I could pick up some time management tips from those who do. 

Like any American with delusions of intellect, my curiosity about orgies was piqued by a story on National Public Radio. I don’t remember the details. I just remember is it was Winter, the radio was on, and someone was having an orgy on NPR. 

Well, not on NPR. We weren’t listening to titters and moans, or whatever sounds NPR hosts make when they get extra freaky. I imagine them as quietly engaged in an intellectual pursuit of sexual release, providing their partners with reasoned, balanced, and unbiased encouragement to “keep doing that.” 

I don’t know what the story was about specifically, but based on the liberal use of the word “orgies,”someone, somewhere, was having, or had had, or was planning to have one. 

In the corner of my eye I saw my wife shake her head. I figured she was thinking the same thing I was. Boy, NPR has gotten pretty fast and loose with their editorial content.

“Kind of a weird story for public radio, yeah?” I said.

“No kidding,” she said. “Who’s going to have an orgy in January? It’s too cold to take your clothes off.”

It wasn’t exactly the same thing I was thinking, but it was a good point. As far as orgies go, a bunch of people wearing thermal underwear and knitted mittens would make for an uneventful evening. You could turn up the heat, but with all those bodies flailing about it would be impossible to find a temperature to suit everyone. Or more to the point, to unsuit everyone. The whole affair would be a bunch of naked Goldilocks standing around arguing about the thermostat.

I can’t imagine Spring would be any better. Love is in the air, but it’s floating in a steaming cloud of pollen. The last thing I want is a gaggle of naked people with runny noses scratching their eyes and sneezing on my genitals. We could take Benadryl, but then it would be less of an orgy and more of a slumber party. 

Summer won’t work. I don’t let our cat sit in my lap on a hot day, let alone have a stranger up in my business. I could run the AC, but then I’m back to people arguing over the thermostat. Besides, too much AC on a hot day is a classic recipe for a head cold. And orgies seem like prime super-spreader events.

Autumn gave me flash of inspiration. The weather is great, allergens are reasonable … But everyone is too busy.. It’s the last half of the year, we need to make sure we’re on track to hit our annual targets at work. School is starting up. People are dashing between PTA meeitngs and soccer practice and math tutors. Who has the time? Now we have a bunch of naked people staring at their phones trying to pencil everyone in. It’s hard enough to schedule sex at home, imagine trying to coordinate calendars with a dozen other people.

I have enough trouble trying to schedule a dentist appointment. If orgies are going to be harder than that, maybe group sex is a bad idea.