How an 18th-Century Writer Convinced me not to vote for Donald Trump

I’ve been reading about a political pundit named Charles Louis de Secondat, Baron de La Brède et de Montesquieu, who CNN never invites to be on their panels because his name won’t fit on the screen. Also because he’s dead.

For an 18th-century writer, Montesquieu had a lot to say about 21st-century politics. So it’s too bad his name won’t fit on the screen. And that he’s dead.

Montesquieu wrote a book called The Spirit of Law, wherein he surveyed and summarized his understanding of western political structures, and what was required to keep them breathing.

First was the dictatorship. That’s where one guy tells everybody else what to do, and they do it to avoid something the Russians call “falling out a window.”

The single most important thing for a dictatorship to survive — according to Montesquieu — is fear. Most people are afraid of falling out of windows. Unless they’re on the ground floor. That’s why dictatorships didn’t take off until the invention of the high-rise.

I may be wrong about that last bit. I’m not a historian.

Next up was the monarchy. That’s the one where you do everything you can to raise your kids right, but they travel off to America and marry an actress, anyway.

Montesquieu reasoned the most critical thing for a monarchy to survive was honor. So long as the monarchy behaved honorably, the citizens would keep the peace. That’s why everyone loved Henry VIII so much. Because of how well he treated his wives.

I may be wrong about that last bit. Again, not a historian.

The third, and final, western political structure Montesquieu identified was the democracy. That’s the one where everybody gets a vote, and if you don’t like the way the vote turns out, you pout and whine until a bunch of dunderheads storm the capitol then wander the halls of justice like a bunch of disoriented mouth-breathers.

Montesquieu said that for a democracy to survive, it must be founded on what he called civic virtue. I don’t know how you define civic virtue, but I’m pretty sure no definition of it involves pouting, whining, or grabbing women by their unmentionables.

I may be wrong about that last bit. No, no. I’m going to stick to my guns on this one. You should never grab a woman unless she’s falling headlong in the path of an oncoming subway train. And even then, you better watch where you grab. It’s one thing to save a person’s life, it’s quite another to get all handsy about it.

Look, I wasn’t going to vote for Trump anyway. I had enough of him last time. But I appreciate Montesquieu giving me another reason to justify it to my red-state relatives.

At this point I don’t know who I’ll vote for. And I’m not going to tell you who to vote for, either.

Maybe you like Donald Trump. Maybe you think he’s the best thing to ever happen to America. That’s fine. It’s your life and your vote, and I respect that.

So please. If you want to vote for Donald Trump, go ahead. You can even do it in the voting booth next to mine.

But if you do, please don’t get all handsy.